


Double Cousins

by GlitzBlitzer (KatanaKarnage)



Category: Fire Emblem: If | Fire Emblem: Fates
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Family Trees, Gen, but no.... you apparently need a private school, class presentation, forrest if only your father let you go to public school, kanna my non-binary baby you are insignificant to this story sorry!!!!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-09
Updated: 2016-04-09
Packaged: 2018-06-01 04:39:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6501163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KatanaKarnage/pseuds/GlitzBlitzer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kisaragi has a class project due by the end of the week.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Double Cousins

**Author's Note:**

> mUsT....fInIsH.....eNgLiSh.....ESSAY
> 
> bUt.......sPoNtAnEoUs.....IDEA

"He's spent all day on it. Apparently it's not even due tomorrow!"

Takumi is prone on a supine Camilla, his waifu. After a day of work for the both of them, Camilla likes to reward her little pineapple with a bit of titty action. Softer than the most comfortable pillow, Takumi rests his chin betwixt her bosom. She's completely still, content with the position they're in.

"Such a diligent boy. Did he explain the situation?" Camilla inquired.

"Nuh-uh. I'm actually surprised they didn't ask why he had printouts of all their album photos. Maybe they knew it was for a project."

Camilla's eyes brightened, or rather, eureka'd. "How about we ask him if he can film his presentation and keep his work? Show it to the others after its done?"

"Uh... would the teacher let him do that?"

"If it was just him the in video, sure!"

* * *

"Oh golly, I can't wait to show everyone how cool my family is! Can't you?"

Kisaragi, Kanna, and Percy hang out in the basketball court. Not to play basketball, no. Principal Yukimura banned the kids from using basketballs during recess a long time ago, after a certain purple-haired 10-year-old tried to see how many basketballs he could throw at the main-building's roof in a minute, forgetting that it was 3 storeys high and that that was where the teachers smoked. He never did get one up there, but he did break a few windows ("Woohoo, three-pointer!").

"Kisa, we have the same family. How 'bout we work on one together, save me all the trouble? I haven't started mine yet." Kanna suggests.

"Not on your life! I've almost finished mine. All I need to do is put our grandparents' grandparents, our future grandchildren's grandchildren!"

Percy interjects, "Kisaragi, shut the hell up. You can't do that!" 

"Yes I can, Perc. And don't swear!"

Percy has a particularly glum expression on his face. He turns away, grimacing. "Well, whatever. At least you have a cool family. I just have my mom and dad."

You can actually pinpoint the exact moment Kisaragi and Kanna's hearts break in two. Even if only for a second or so. Kisaragi quickly tries to remedy Percy's situation. "Well, your mom's best friends with Aunt Elise. You're basically family!"

Percy chuckles a bit. "Thanks, I guess. But don't put my dad in yours, unless you want his chin filling up the entire page."

* * *

"Hey Perc, could you do me a favour?"

(Percy looks up from his filthy PS Vita. Percy's a filthy Vita owner. On his filthy Vita, all he plays is Minecraft™ and LEGO® Marvel’s Avengers. What a pleb. And he calls himself a gamer. He doesn't play the immaculate conception of God and the Devil himself, Freedom Wars. Dywer, Kisa's cousin, would work the energy to shed a tear if he saw Perc playing Minecraft. On a Vita). Kisaragi saw a doodle of a marijuana leaf on the way to class. It made him think of Dywer for a second or two, to be honest. 

"Whaddya need?" Percy asked, slouching over his desk at the back corner of the room.

"My mom asked if I could record my presentation. I ask Mr Niji if could, and he said it was a-ok!" Kisaragi passed Percy an iPhone 5S. It was a hand-me-down from his older cousin Shinonome. Mom and dad would never let him have anything beyond an iPhone 5 until he was 13.

"Sure."

The phone suddenly buzzed in Percy's hand, a text from Kanna came. _I didn't finished the project and Mr Izana's gonna call my parents._

Percy handed the phone back to Kisaragi, who texted back: _Don't worry, buddy. I'm doing this for the both of us then!_

* * *

"As you may know, my name is Kisaragi Hoshido-Nohr. I'm 10 years old, as you may know. Today I'm gonna show you all my family tree!"

The class was in complete silence, half of them bored outta their heads, the others busy on Snapchat. This isn't including Percy, who's recording the presentation. Well, he was recording the whole class, as Kisaragi failed to mention that he did not have permission to film everyone else. 

Kisaragi unraveled a very, very large sheet of paper, size 2A0, bigger than even Mr Niji (I think). The teacher helped Kisaragi Blu-Tack the poster on the whiteboard. Vibrant hues of green, brown, and sky blue covered most the paper. Kisa somehow made brown a beautiful colour! And pictures of all his relatives, all who could come into mind, cluttered the tree like leaves.

Well, not really. Kisaragi didn't see the logic of making the family tree read top to bottom, since trees grow from the ground. So, at the trunk he started with his grandparents and half-grandparents and step-grandparents, and then worked his way up. Of course that meant the tree looked more like a wonky plateau, and did not fit the tree he got (read: harassed) his cousin Shigure into haphazardly making for him. 

"We start from the very beginning... On my dad's side was Sumeragi Hoshido and Ikona Hoshido. They had four kids, my dad and my uncle and aunties. Unfortunately, Grandma Ikona died after Auntie Sakura was born, but then Grandpa Sumeragi got married again, to Grandma Mikoto! Mikoto already had a kid when they got married, my uncle Corrin!"

"Corn?" What in tarnation, Jerry from the third isle?

"Nope, _Ko-rin_." Kisa struggled to contain his anger towards Jerry from the third isle. Jerry from the third isle was his sworn enemy. People seldom made him angry and full of hatred. Kisa could smile even when bullies tried to mess with him. But Jerry from the third isle, Jerry from the third isle was a different story, for a different time. 

"Who's his dad?" Stella Flanagan asked, and Kisaragi shrugged. 

"Anyway, on my mom's side was Garon Nohr, and all his kids had different moms. He only got married twice though, and those two are the only names I know; Ecatarina and Arete. I only got pictures for those two."

The kids started to get more into it. His family tree was starting to get complicated. Even Mr Niji was actually paying attention. "He must have been a player in his days, I see."

"Eww, he touched more than one girl!"  
"Was he a cheater?"  
"Did he have sexual addiction?" The whole class went silent.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

...

 

 

 

 

"EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW"  
"Who said the 's' word?" Someone called out. Everyone pointed at Carl Michaelson.

"Children, children, please... Kisaragi is giving a presentation right now, please pay attention."

"Now onto the next-gen, I guess. Ikona's four children were Ryouma, Hinoka, Takumi (my dad), and Sakura Hoshido. Mikoto's kid, Corrin, was younger than Hinoka but older than my dad. Garon's kids were Xander, Camilla (my mom), Leo, and Elise Nohr. Besides them, he also adopted his second wife Arete's kid, my aunt Azura. She was older than Leo but younger than my mom."

Some kids couldn't wrap their heads around things. 

"Those are my aunties and uncles! Now lastly, the gen I was in!"

Mr Niji made a mental note in his head to mark Kisaragi down for not using the word 'generation' correctly. 

"Our two families used to hate each other for some reason, but then they made up and ended up getting married to each other! My uncle Ryouma the eldest Hoshidan married the youngest Nohrian, Elise. They have one kid together, my cousin Shinonome! Do you remember him, Mr Niji? You know, Shiro?"

'Too well,' Mr Niji thought. "Too well." He remembered the child that came to his classroom who could not differentiate his 'n's and 'r's. He remembered the dread that came whenever class would start, knowing full-well that he would ruin his day ten-times over. Thumbtacks on chairs, permanent marker on walls, he even set his mustache on fire once. He remembered the sweet bliss that came after wannabe rapper Shinonome 'Lil Cheese' Hoshido-Nohr graduated and left for high-school. 

"Yeah, and my auntie Hinoka married the eldest from my mom's side, Xander. They also have one kid together, Siegbert Nohr-Hoshido or Sieggy for short, this one with the mullet. In fact, most of us are only-kids, but we all have each other, we're basically brothers!"

The entire class was now fixated on how absurd his family was. It would be so awkward if one couple had a divorce. 

"This is my mom and dad, Camilla Nohr and Takumi Hoshido. And that's me!" Kisaragi pointed to a baby photo of him, holding a toy bow and wearing nothing but diapers, like a little cupid.

"Wow, your mom has great boobies" Gosh-hecking-darnit, Jerry from the third isle.

"Jerry! That is very inappropriate to say. Apologise!" Phew, thanks Mr N. 

"Sorry, Kisaragi." Darn-fucking-right Jerry. Whoops. 

"...Apology accepted. But that was very rude of you to say." Very mature, Kisaragi, thank you. 

'You're welcome, narrator.'

"Almighty alrighty, back to business. Don't tell anyone I said this, but Forrest here is my favourite cousin. His mom is Sakura and his dad is Leo."

"Haha, he looks liek a girl~~~~" OMFG JERRY I SWEAR IF YOU DONT SHUT UP RIGHT NOW IMMA FUCKING__H;GJ KSD /FHGSRUGHLRKJ

"SHUT UP, JURREH. HE, is a boy, and he likes to wear dresses, and he likes to wear his hair like that. Least it's better than that grease mop you have on top of your head, Jerry. From the third isle."

"OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH," Went the rest of the students. Jerry from the third isle excused himself from the class room and went to wash his hair in the water fountain for the remainder of the lesson. Percy had the camera follow him till he was outta sight. Watch your micro-aggressions, brah. 

"The three of them are my double cousins. That means us double cousins share the same set of grandparents."

At least six kids threw up.

Stella Flanagan raised her hand up, while throwing up on the inside. "Did Corn and Azura get married and have a kid too?"

Kisaragi anticipated that question. "Ah, see, funny story.... Did I forget to mention Mikoto Hoshido and Arete Nohr were sisters? While the Family Feud™ was going on, uncle Corrin and auntie Azura found out they were cousins, so they broke it off before things got serious."

Now Mr Niji was throwing up. This was too much for him, even as an ancient dragon. Wait, this is an AU, shit. Ignore the previous two sentences. 

"My auntie Azura got married to Jakob North, and they had two kids, Shigure and Dywer. They also went to this school," Kisa pointed at the picture they shared together. "My uncle Corrin's married to *points* this guy, Niles Edgeworth, and they have two kids: Eponine, and Kanna from the class next-door!"

"How do two boys have babies?"

"Mpreg," says the the class fujoshi. Nina would be so proud. 

"And that concludes my presentation." The class exploded.

* * *

"So, what did ya think?" Kisaragi insisted on waiting till the family's next get together to watch the video in their home theatre. He couldn't figure out what everyone else was thinking, but he knew that Leo and Sakura were stifling their giggling at Jerry from the third isle. Serves him right.

"WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW, Mr N's gotten old," Shinonome was the first to break the minute-long silence.

"Tell Percy nice job on the camera," Siegbert followed.

Most of them went up to the poster propped up on the wall to look at some of the finer details. Shigure was annoyed at his defaced work. Dywer fell asleep halfway through the video. Azura excused herself to the bathroom, where she banged her head against the tile walls while taking a fully-clothed shower. Corn sunk deeper into his chair until he disappeared. Niles Prower ushered Kanna to the front of the crowd to look at the family tree.

"Now, you didn't have to do it like this, but you COULD have at least STARTED your homework, hmmm?"

Elise then suggests,"We should put this on Facebook™. Or everywhere, this thing is so big! Bigger than me! Not as big as my husband though. Or my son!"

"They didn't do this in Sieggy's private school, did they Xander?" 

"Hinoka, I don't know what to say... or think."

* * *

"Kisa, good job on the... content and accuracy of you work. At least I think it's accurate," Takumi was perplexed by how the family web was laid out. He was 120% sure it was upside-down, and 200% sure Leo would berate Takumi for such discrepancy.

"And thank you for putting that naughty Jerry in his place, my little purple pine-cone," says Camilla, who pecks Kisa's cheeks a gazillion times.

"Aw, shucks..." Kisaragi blushed. Then he noticed his favourite cousin approach. "Hey! What's my favourite double cousin up to?"

Forrest laughed and flipped his curly hair. And then sewed his way into oblivion, which sucked in every particle in the universe, destroying that clusterfuck-of-a-family-tree forever and ever. But not on Facebook™, since once something is on the internet, it can never be truly deleted.

**Author's Note:**

> soz for crack
> 
> Niji means rainbow


End file.
